Pizza Cartels Target Edinburgh Students Students at the University of Edinburgh have fallen victim to a startling upsurge in street-level pizza distribution, with little sign of an organised response by the authorities. Students are forced to confront a daily gauntlet of hawkers, promoters, and floppy margheritas on their way to and from classes. The Pizza Hut and Domino’s cartels have saturated the student populace with free slices of ‘Neapolitan Delight’ and limited-time of

An Open Letter to Salad Dear Salad, Why do you feel the need to permeate every restaurant meal? Why do you wait beside my steaks when you know I’ll never eat you? Why do you come in a bag with my curry? Why do you have to swim in my sweet and sour when I would’ve preferred more chicken instead? You follow me to barbeques and remain untouched as I fill up on drumsticks and sausages. You are constantly pushed to the side of the plate in an effort to make it look like I've eaten

Pigs Fly Over Russia Pigs are flying over Russia as part of an unprecedented surge of impossibilities occurring this week. Satellite imagery shows the wave of hogs following a warm air current from the South, passing over Moscow and heading towards Archangel on the White Sea. In cities, witnesses report swine stealing food out of peoples' hands before flying away. In the countryside, farmers have reported a strong smell of bacon coming from the power lines, and by the coast f

('Essays From the Crypt' is an anthology of articles which, for one reason or another, never made it to print. Saved from the grave, they live once again! Originally written in 2016.) Essays from the Crypt: England Football Team Biggest Disappointment Since my Son After a poor performance in Euro 2016, the England football team has been demoted from ‘a bit shit’ to ‘actually terrible’. In a shock exit to Iceland, (population: several puffins) people are wondering how the home

Consensus Needed for Zombie Outbreak, Warn Scientists With the saturation of zombies in popular culture in recent years, some scientists have gone beyond simply absorbing the media and have planned ahead in case the dead do walk again. With the popularity of such films and television as The Walking Dead, Day Z, and Shaun of the Dead, zombie-culture is as prevalent now as it has ever been. But some people have expressed interest in focusing on a code of ethics for unintentiona

(Originally written when I hadn't given up on ever seeing the sun again). British Pessimism in Jeopardy due to Decent Spring In a startling turn of events, this Spring has been surprisingly sunny, and citizens of the United Kingdom have been caught off-guard. Now people find themselves at a loss as to what to complain about. Without bad weather the collective British psyche has fallen apart, and now nobody is quite sure how to start a conversation. The MET office has issued a