British Pessimism in Jeopardy due to Decent Spring


(Originally written when I hadn't given up on ever seeing the sun again).


British Pessimism in Jeopardy due to Decent Spring

In a startling turn of events, this Spring has been surprisingly sunny, and citizens of the United Kingdom have been caught off-guard. Now people find themselves at a loss as to what to complain about. Without bad weather the collective British psyche has fallen apart, and now nobody is quite sure how to start a conversation.

The MET office has issued an amber warning over incoming small talk deficiencies that will accompany this wave of balmy temperatures and pleasant breezes. The government is planning to sabotage critical train junctions and cut funding to schools in an effort to keep complaint levels stable during this gorgeous period.

The reduction in available small-talk options is a huge problem for certain businesses, including hairdressers and taxi drivers, who must now actually think of a topic to talk about instead of simply complaining about the weather. Emergency socialites have been deployed to the worst affected areas to help combat the awkward silences.

Pessimism too is decreasing, which is also a national issue, according to sociologist Huw Ann Mii.

‘What many people fail to realise is that Britain very much runs on the fulfilment of pessimism. We call it the National Pessimism Index (or NPI). It’s almost like a separate economy,’ said Mii.

‘Without a steady supply of pessimism, such as that of assumed rainy Springs, the national work output will drop significantly as people would spend more time doing the things they like instead of becoming demotivated at the fulfilment of said pessimism. This is why this Spring is particularly dangerous for old people: instead of sitting alone and staring at the rain, they are actually being visited by their extended families and going outside, which of course diminishes the NPI dramatically.’

However, since everything dies in autumn, expect pessimism to resume to normal levels in due time.

#Satire #2018

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