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Essays from the Crypt: England Football Team Biggest Disappointment Since my Son

('Essays From the Crypt' is an anthology of articles which, for one reason or another, never made it to print. Saved from the grave, they live once again! Originally written in 2016.)

Essays from the Crypt: England Football Team Biggest Disappointment Since my Son

My disappointing son watching a disappointing England game.

After a poor performance in Euro 2016, the England football team has been demoted from ‘a bit shit’ to ‘actually terrible’. In a shock exit to Iceland, (population: several puffins) people are wondering how the home of the richest league in the world can produce such a poor national team.

‘Isn’t it obvious? The England team is paid so much money that they haven’t actually played football for years. Rooney doesn’t even have legs anymore. Years ago players in the English Premier League discovered that it was much easier for them to clone themselves than it was to actually play the games . Since they are legally the same person, they get paid for doing nothing at all. And it’s all my fault.’

This accusation comes from Sven Goran Eriksson, the former England manager, who has come out of the Swedish wilderness to reveal the secret experiments from his time at the helm. According to Eriksson, during the period of 2001-2006, himself and several high-ranking members of FIFA spearheaded an operation to isolate and reproduce the footballing genes of the best players of all time. Pele, Maradona, George Best, and Ronaldinho were just some of the players whose DNA was acquired for splicing. The project was later shelved as FIFA focused funding on more grounded forms of corruption, but the cloning techniques were refined to produce exact copies of players, for those who could afford it. Eriksson estimates that there could be anywhere between 200 and 500 clones currently in professional football.

Consequently the clones that have been playing in England’s international games have only had about seven months to practice before being thrust into the international spotlight. Many have barely had time to have an affair.

Whilst many are still sceptical of his confession, it’s as credible an excuse as any for why we're so shit.

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