An Open Letter to Salad

An Open Letter to Salad

Dear Salad,

Why do you feel the need to permeate every restaurant meal? Why do you wait beside my steaks when you know I’ll never eat you? Why do you come in a bag with my curry? Why do you have to swim in my sweet and sour when I would’ve preferred more chicken instead?

You follow me to barbeques and remain untouched as I fill up on drumsticks and sausages. You are constantly pushed to the side of the plate in an effort to make it look like I've eaten some when in fact I haven’t. I feel like there’s some restaurant code where it states that it’s necessary to include a token offering of rocket and lettuce (or, if I’m unlucky, an unappetising spread of shredded vegetables with too much carrot included) with meals in an effort to look healthy. But I didn’t buy a disgustingly greasy burger to eat healthily: if I wanted to eat a healthy meal then I would order a salad. Do you see the problem here? If only you could see yourself off my plate too.

Let me be clear Salad: you are not the centre of the universe. If I wanted you I would ask for you. I don’t know why you feel the need to impose yourself on me and my terrible eating habits. I know I should eat more healthily but until you make bacon-flavoured cabbages, I’m just not that interested in what you have to offer.

Except for peppers, you’re quite nice. And potatoes and onions obviously, that goes without saying. And maybe the occasional bit of spinach. Do chillies count as vegetables...? Actually come to think of it tomatoes are pretty nice as well. When their sweetness cuts through the savouriness in a dish it’s amazing.

Sincerely,

A man with high blood pressure.

#2018 #Satire #Opinion