Pizza Cartels Target Edinburgh Students


Pizza Cartels Target Edinburgh Students


Students at the University of Edinburgh have fallen victim to a startling upsurge in street-level pizza distribution, with little sign of an organised response by the authorities. Students are forced to confront a daily gauntlet of hawkers, promoters, and floppy margheritas on their way to and from classes.

The Pizza Hut and Domino’s cartels have saturated the student populace with free slices of ‘Neapolitan Delight’ and limited-time offers, threatening their sodium balances and leaving the unaffected jaded and disenfranchised. An overwhelming sense of ennui and an increasingly blasé attitude towards the unsolicited offers threatens to drain this reporter’s list of French borrowings.

I approached a student, who wished to remain anonymous, immediately after they had run the gauntlet, and asked for a comment.

‘It’s terrifying. Every day I wake up knowing I’m going to be offered seven days of free pizza. Most of my friends have tried it at least once, and some have even been ordering more online. It’s becoming an epidemic. The worst part is that you see kids, around 12 or 13, falling victim to their tactics more than anyone else. Something has to change.’

The cause of this upsurge in street food is unknown but certainly indicative of a wider social shift. Eddie Bull, a Gastronomist currently watching his weight, believes it has as much to do with politics as with pizza.

‘As Brexit looms and global security is put under ever-increasing pressures, regular citizens are seeking an escape through comfort food.

‘What we see happening at Edinburgh is targeted distribution. University students are at higher risks of stress, the main catalyst for the consumption of ‘’comfort food’’. Supplies have been raised to meet demands, and as a result these international cartels have grown bolder with their means of distribution. Whereas before you would have to find a so-called ‘’pie-house’’ or call up a delivery service, now the companies are going straight to the consumer.’


The traditional drug lords in the area have lodged a complaint with the local council, claiming that the over-saturation of pizza on campuses is now outcompeting traditional psychedelics and opioids.

This is the latest high-profile food scandal to rock the scholarly world. On Monday, the head of the Student’s Union at King’s College London was replaced after several new students suffered sugar overdoses at the Fresher’s Fair.

In this reporter’s opinion, the issue seems here to stay, for now. A serious shake-up of regulations could feasibly control the flow, but it is unlikely it would have much of an effect as literally everyone in the world loves pizza and those who don’t are outliers and should not be counted as part of the average population.

#2018 #Satire #Food

17 views
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
  • Pinterest
  • Tumblr Social Icon
  • Instagram