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Essays from the Crypt: NHS in Urgent Plea for New Magazines

(Originally published 2016)

NHS in Urgent Plea for New Magazines

The NHS has issued a plea for members of the public to donate magazines to their local practice to ease the suffering of patients.

Visitors to NHS practices across the country currently must endure outdated literature, which many believe is contributing to a nationwide ennui epidemic reminiscent of the Great Yawn of 1930.

I visited Royal Surrey County Hospital to discover just what kind of conditions some of the patients had to endure. Pike and Predator

magazine, a Homes and Antiques issue from December 2015, and an assortment of out-of-date Grazia, Hello!, and Now! magazines were scattered across coffee tables around the waiting room. None were being read, save a copy of Good Housekeeping from May last year by a rather tired-looking gentleman. He later died from boredom.

An orderly described how just last week a patient broke down in tears upon rifling through all the available magazines in the waiting room and finding none of interest. She sighted a severe shortage of donations from the general public for the underperformance in hospitals.

‘What we need is for more people to bring in their old magazines when they come to the doctors.’

The NHS has been increasingly missing its targets when it comes to patient satisfaction in the waiting room, and with the government cutting funds to the national service, it is clearly becoming the public’s duty to entertain themselves.

The current supply is provided mostly by old ladies, probably. No one has ever seen who leaves the magazines and they are loathe to admit any supernatural suspicions. Whilst there is evidence that ghosts may be responsible, it is unlikely that they would be the source as nobody enjoys being in a waiting room when they’re alive, let alone after death. However, the magazines are clearly from another place and time.

No ghosts were available for comment.

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