Life After Coronavirus ‘Likely to be Full of Ubermenschen’




Life after the coronavirus pandemic will likely be dominated by an ultra-fit, ultra-educated diaspora of individuals who took the opportunity to better themselves too far, says an international panel of experts.


Earlier today, Dr. Sharpe of the International Bureau of Foreshadowing and Pathetic Fallacies (IBFPF) released a statement which said, in part, that the old world would give way to a new one:


“We expect to be taken over by the broad shoulders and toned abdominals of a race of superbeings we are terming homo deus. These people will be comprised of those who have taken their isolation-induced self-betterment to an extreme level.”


“Significant parts of the world are being told to stay at home, away from work, and potentially without direction for some time. As a result, many of us are taking the time to better ourselves through education, fitness, and healthy eating.”


“Unfortunately, and as with all times of cultural stress, new movements and ideas will manifest in reaction. It is with this in mind that we caution everyone to keep their ambitions tempered, so as to avoid a situation of unparalleled self-improvement.”


The danger, Dr. Sharpe went on to say, was that if people continued en-masse to better themselves for personal reasons or otherwise, they would simply become too powerful for current international systems of government.

“Without control, these ubermenschen will surpass us in every way. The day will come where those who simply stayed inside will re-emerge to find a hellscape of juice bars and language schools and be lost in a world without flab. The weak will perish as homo deus ascends. No more gods or kings, only humanity. We must evolve or die. Now is the time.”


With this grim foreshadowing, Dr. Sharpe ended the conference and refused to take any questions. The clouds gathered overhead, and rain began to fall, as is standard IBFPF practice.

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