The Inventor of the yoga pants, Chip Wilson, is to lie in state so as to allow the many grateful partners of yoga-pants-wearers to pay their respects. The debt of gratitude the general public feel seems to be immeasurable, and a long chain of well-toned individuals has gathered outside his residence. Many gyms, in lieu of flying flags at half-mast, have opted for a minutes silence punctuated by screams of anguish from the weights room.
Chip Wilson, who was assassinated earlier this month by baggy jeans radicals, is survived by his wife and children. The radicals responsible did not get far, as their baggy jeans prevented them from being able to run properly. The trial is scheduled for next week, but they are already undergoing rehabilitation for their outdated fashion sense.
The former CEO of Lululemon Athletica will be buried with his own product, as per his request. Though the exact wording of his Will is private, his comments earlier this year would suggest a personal preference.
“You could bounce a quarter off this ***”, he said at a charity event for refugee children.
Yoga pants are widely considered to be one of the greatest achievements of humankind, comparable to sliced bread and sarcasm. With annual sales worth more than $2bn, it’s honestly surprising that you don’t own a pair yet. You know how comfortable they are to wear, right? They hug the body, so they don’t get caught on anything during your workout. They’re inexpensive and take up very little space in your wardrobe. All that elasticity means that they can adapt to any size, meaning you don’t have to buy a new pair once you’ve toned up.
It also tends to make bums look fabulous.