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Essays From the Crypt: What I Found when I Typed ‘When’ into Five Different Search Engines

(Originally published 2016)

What I Found when I Typed ‘When’ into Five Different Search Engines

Ladies and gentlemen, I humbly present to you the intriguing and mystifying suggested searches for the term ‘when’, after typing them into five of the most popular browsers.

First, we begin with Google.


The existentialism of when I am and when you are has perplexed this generation’s finest philosophers, which speaks to the very heart of one’s psyche: do we really exist? Can we ever say for certain when we are, if we are? How can one truly claim to be if one does not know when one is? When does the narwhal bacon? Self-existence is as clear as midnight.

Ask Jeeves:

Ask Jeeves is apparently used by ageing men, so worn down by years of labouring under the harsh glare of their regional managers that they long for the sweet embrace of their pensions. With their retirement on the horizon, they may finally have time to celebrate Easter 2013.


Eid al-Fitr, the last day of the holy month of Ramadan, and when Muslims may break their fast: very important. Easter, a day that celebrates the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ: also very important. Avoiding your father’s disappointed look as you clumsily explain why you didn’t get him a card this year: the most important of all.


The Yahoo! user never knows whether they’re an hour early or an hour late to harvest potatoes, and are never on time for Easter. Seriously, can anyone tell me when Easter is?

AOL. Seriously. I know, I didn't even realise it was a search engine until now. What a mess:

AOL is used so infrequently that the fourth result is for a Bruno Mars song from three years ago. No one even asked about Easter, that’s how little traffic AOL appears to be getting, and a search engine without Easter is hardly a search engine at all.

Your move, Google.

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