Following dramatic rhetoric that shifts between isolationism and imperialism, the United States have indicated that they are now considering withdrawing from Earth altogether. Whilst the extent of their planning is unknown at this time, sources inside the White House report that President Trump has already requested that research be done on the feasibility of such an operation.
Since returning to the White House in January, Trump has issued a torrent of executive orders ranging from diversity hiring to paper straws. Having previously criticised the effectiveness and authority of the UN, placed tariffs on the products of allies and rivals alike, there are new reports that President Trump plans to withdraw most of the North American continent from Earth entirely.
“For too long, and I say this very seriously, for too long Earth has looked at America as a joke,” said Trump during an interview this week. “We’re treated as a joke, they’ve used our land for all sorts of horrible things and we’ve been treated very unfairly. The whales are using our waters as a safe haven. We have seasonal birds coming here for the summer to take advantage of our wonderful country and the Democrats have done nothing to stop them. In fact, they’ve been encouraging them.”
“Think of space – which by the way, we’ll be renaming the Milky America - as the ultimate tariff,” Trump continued. "Meanwhile we’ll have the freedom to trade only with friendly planets, friendly aliens, like the tardigrades on the moon. And the moon, you know, was discovered by Americans. There’s talks it could be the 51st state. I think the tardigrades would like that very much.”
The idea may have been influenced by the Trump’s closeness to Elon Musk, who amongst several projects has been invested in the idea of a space colony on Mars. Whilst exiting a newly closed centre promoting general decency, Musk commented that the idea was “in the works.”
“We have to test the practicality of it first, which is why we’re thinking of starting with Luxembourg.”
Editor's note: since this article was written, a bill has been introduced to rename Greenland to "Red, White, and Blueland". Therefore, I will not be writing anymore satire about American politics because they are doing a better job than I am.
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