Updated: Mar 18
('Essays From the Crypt' is an anthology of articles which, for one reason or another, never made it to print. Saved from the grave, they live once again!)
Essays From the Crypt: The Idiot’s Guide to Cooking Dinner for a Date
Congratulations! Somehow, you’ve pulled a not-so-lucky lady and invited her round for dinner. But time’s got away from you. You’ve only got half an hour until she arrives, and you’ve got as much experience with cooking as Joseph Fritzl has with responsible parenting. What are you going to do? Fear not, my oblivious friend. If you follow this advice she’ll be eating out of your hand, assuming you don’t have a plate. If you don't have a plate, I'm surprised you have your life together enough to meet girls in the first place.
Step 1: Scope out the Kitchen
OK, first thing’s first: check the kitchen for what you can use. Alright... there we go. Ta da! You’ve got half an onion, one new potato, and some Lea and Perrins. The only thing in the fridge is some Chinese food. It’s so mouldy it’s started criticising you for walking past that charity worker without acknowledging him. In a situation like this, you’ve got two choices. Either explain to her that you’re on a new diet which requires you to give up protein, vitamins, and self-respect, or run to the shops before they close.
Step 2: Realise it’s a Sunday and the Shops Closed Half an Hour Ago
Step 3: Stall for Time
Why would you even plan a dinner party for a Sunday? Who does that? Now you've got no choice but to stall for time.
‘Hi babe, how’s it going? What? Nah nah, nothing’s wrong, was just wondering if you could pick up some wine to go with the food. Yeah. Yeah red’s good. Make sure to go to the Majestic though. Yeah I know the nearest one’s about two hours away. Because I wanna make it special and the wine I’ve got is mostly for medical purposes. It’s not even technically wine, there was a printing error on the label. OK cool, thanks babe. Yeah, see you soon. Bye. Bye.’
Step 4: Remember You’ve Got that Bottle of Wine
Begin to formulate a plan. Yeah, YEAH! This’ll work! You’re feeling good about it now. A bit of wine, a handful of these. This is looking good.
Step 5: Kill Yourself
Eat a handful of painkillers. Wash it down with wine. If you’re dead, she can’t be disappointed when you haven’t cooked anything. Lucky you’ve got so many pills lying around. Why do you have so many pills again?
Step 6: The Last Resort
Oh dear, you’re only dead inside? OK no worries, looks like we’ll have to use our last resort. Look there! Under the piles of Kleenex and that porn parody Schindler’s Fist! Could it be? Yes it is! A takeaway menu for that place down the street.
Step 7: Acceptance
Shuffle through the bags of rubbish near the door and take the packet from the delivery guy. At least when she arrives you’ll have something for dinner now. Hopefully she likes it. You decide to try some of it before she arrives.
Step 8: Realisation
Wake up the next day in a pool of filth. Your nose is covered in a white powder, hardened by dried sweat. You take a few moments to realise what happened. You’ve been high for the last two days. You hallucinated the whole thing, didn’t you? You don’t have to respond. I know the truth. It’s OK. I’m not even really here. But I’m the only friend you’ve got left.
Hey, I know what’ll cheer you up. Let’s watch Schindler’s Fist again.