Essays From the Crypt: The Idiot’s Guide to Cooking Dinner for a Date

('Essays From the Crypt' is an anthology of articles which, for one reason or another, never made it to print. Saved from the grave, they live once again!)

Essays From the Crypt: The Idiot’s Guide to Cooking Dinner for a Date

Congratulations! Somehow, you’ve pulled a not-so-lucky lady and invited her round for dinner. But time’s got away from you. You’ve only got half an hour until she arrives, and you’ve got as much experience with cooking as Joseph Fritzl has with responsible parenting. What are you going to do? Fear not, my oblivious friend. If you follow this advice she’ll be eating out of your hand, assuming you don’t have a plate. If you don't have a plate, I'm surprised you have your life together enough to meet girls in the first place.

Step 1: Scope out the Kitchen

OK, first thing’s first: check the kitchen for what you can use. Alright... there we go. Ta da! You’ve got half an onion, one new potato, and some Lea and Perrins. The only thing in the fridge is some Chinese food. It’s so mouldy it’s started criticising you for walking past that charity worker without acknowledging him. In a situation like this, you’ve got two choices. Either explain to her that you’re on a new diet which requires you to give up protein, vitamins, and self-respect, or run to the shops before they close.

Step 2: Realise it’s a Sunday and the Shops Closed Half an Hour Ago

Shit.

Step 3: Stall for Time

Why would you even plan a dinner party for a Sunday? Who does that? Now you've got no choice but to stall for time.

‘Hi babe, how’s it going? What? Nah nah, nothing’s wrong, was just wondering if you could pick up some wine to go with the food. Yeah. Yeah red’s good. Make sure to go to the Majestic though. Yeah I know the nearest one’s about two hours away. Because I wanna make it special and the wine I’ve got is mostly for medical purposes. It’s not even technically wine, there was a printing error on the label. OK cool, thanks babe. Yeah, see you soon. Bye. Bye.’

Step 4: Remember You’ve Got that Bottle of Wine

Begin to formulate a plan. Yeah, YEAH! This’ll work! You’re feeling good about it now. A bit of wine, a handful of these. This is looking good.

Step 5: Kill Yourself

Eat a handful of painkillers. Wash it down with wine. If you’re dead, she can’t be disappointed when you haven’t cooked anything. Lucky you’ve got so many pills lying around. Why do you have so many pills again?

Step 6: The Last Resort

Oh dear, you’re only dead inside? OK no worries, looks like we’ll have to use our last resort. Look there! Under the piles of Kleenex and that porn parody Schindler’s Fist! Could it be? Yes it is! A takeaway menu for that place down the street.

Step 7: Acceptance

Shuffle through the bags of rubbish near the door and take the packet from the delivery guy. At least when she arrives you’ll have something for dinner now. Hopefully she likes it. You decide to try some of it before she arrives.

Step 8: Realisation

Wake up the next day in a pool of filth. Your nose is covered in a white powder, hardened by dried sweat. You take a few moments to realise what happened. You’ve been high for the last two days. You hallucinated the whole thing, didn’t you? You don’t have to respond. I know the truth. It’s OK. I’m not even really here. But I’m the only friend you’ve got left.

Hey, I know what’ll cheer you up. Let’s watch Schindler’s Fist again.

#2018 #EssaysFromtheCrypt #Howto #Comedy

Reasons Why You Shouldn't Date Co-Workers

Reasons Why You Shouldn't Date Co-Workers

There she is, the Mistress of Human Resources, the Madame of the Corner Desk. She’s so office-hot. She’s probably the third best-looking girl on the whole floor. The way she stands by the coffee machine is as sultry as her slumped posture when she’s working late. It’s enough to drive a man to do something stupid, like ask her out.

No? You don’t think that’s a bad idea? Well go ahead, try it. But first, let me tell you a few things that might put things into perspective for you.

To simplify things, let's call her Melissa. So, let’s say you start dating Melissa. Things are going great! You love talking to her at work, you love seeing her at home, you love eating lunch with her, and you love carpooling with her. Wow, Melissa hangs around with you a lot, doesn’t she? It’s almost like you’ve ended up living the same life and have no time apart from each other either at work or at home. Suddenly you can’t relax at home, because she knows as well as you know those papers need to get done by Monday, so why are you playing games? But relationships born from convenience always last, right?

No, obviously. Why would you think they would? What’s wrong with you? Christ, it's like blood from a stone with you people sometimes.

Anyway, one day, you have a falling out. Maybe you burnt the dinner because you were daydreaming about if a flying crocodile with thumbs would be too powerful, and now Melissa’s taken it personally. You’re now in a position where your personal life is bleeding into your professional life. Wonderful, right? Now there’s no way to have an opinion about your colleagues, or an argument at home, without venting about it at the office, because there’s no privacy to your lives anymore. Next thing you know, your boss is calling you into their office to give you tips on how to cook a risotto, and the guy working behind you is giving you top tips for the bedroom. Fuck you Paul, that’s none of your bloody business, you might say. But it’s too late. You're everybody’s business now.

After that, like a flan in a cupboard, the whole thing starts to deflate. There’s no time away from each other. Work frustration becomes home frustration, and unless you two are into angry sex no one’s going to have a happy ending tonight. You might notice she gets invited out by co-workers who didn’t invite you, or vice versa. Someone might start to wonder why the other person is getting all the raises and promotions instead of them. One of you might realise you don’t like the other person anymore, and that’s where things can get really, really messy.

Don’t rush into a relationship without thinking about the aftermath. Unless you two are happy talking about when the boss sat on the photocopier at the Christmas party for the rest of your lives, you’ll probably find someone better. You might realise that, yes, it’s convenient to have a work buddy fuck buddy, but fuck buddy, it’s not working!

What happens when you end it? First off, everyone in the office will know. It won’t matter how much or little either of you say, people are going to start coming up to you both asking ‘what happened? You two were so cute together though, it’s such a shame.’ Everyone will pity you. Everyone will think no wonder he couldn’t satisfy Melissa; he couldn’t even satisfy those investors. For your sake, I’d make sure the breakup was mutual, because if not then you’re basically finished. If you broke her heart, you’ll be buried at your cubicle.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t try it. Who cares, really. We’re all waiting to die anyway, so might as well have some fun. Just remember though; a relationship built on convenience can become the biggest inconvenience of all.

Maybe check what her sister looks like before you make any decisions.

#2018 #Opinion #Comedy

British Pessimism in Jeopardy due to Decent Spring

(Originally written when I hadn't given up on ever seeing the sun again).

British Pessimism in Jeopardy due to Decent Spring

In a startling turn of events, this Spring has been surprisingly sunny, and citizens of the United Kingdom have been caught off-guard. Now people find themselves at a loss as to what to complain about. Without bad weather the collective British psyche has fallen apart, and now nobody is quite sure how to start a conversation.

The MET office has issued an amber warning over incoming small talk deficiencies that will accompany this wave of balmy temperatures and pleasant breezes. The government is planning to sabotage critical train junctions and cut funding to schools in an effort to keep complaint levels stable during this gorgeous period.

The reduction in available small-talk options is a huge problem for certain businesses, including hairdressers and taxi drivers, who must now actually think of a topic to talk about instead of simply complaining about the weather. Emergency socialites have been deployed to the worst affected areas to help combat the awkward silences.

Pessimism too is decreasing, which is also a national issue, according to sociologist Huw Ann Mii.

‘What many people fail to realise is that Britain very much runs on the fulfilment of pessimism. We call it the National Pessimism Index (or NPI). It’s almost like a separate economy,’ said Mii.

‘Without a steady supply of pessimism, such as that of assumed rainy Springs, the national work output will drop significantly as people would spend more time doing the things they like instead of becoming demotivated at the fulfilment of said pessimism. This is why this Spring is particularly dangerous for old people: instead of sitting alone and staring at the rain, they are actually being visited by their extended families and going outside, which of course diminishes the NPI dramatically.’

However, since everything dies in autumn, expect pessimism to resume to normal levels in due time.

#Satire #2018